- Kimberley Guillemet
- President Theodore Roosevelt
Recently, a young lady named Mattie* came to me for advice. She was distraught because she felt as if she was behind on achieving all of the important milestones in life. “It’s not fair,” she began. “Everyone’s life is so much better than mine. All of my friends have boyfriends or fiancés. I try to meet people online and they are all jerks. I hate my job. I don’t make enough money. I don’t like my body. Everyone else looks better than I do. I’m just tired of everybody else’s life being so much better than mine.”
I asked her what proof she had that everybody else’s life was so much better than hers. She responded that she could tell by the pictures people posted on Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, etc. “Everyone looks so happy,” she lamented.
I told her that her frame of reference was skewed if her sole determination of a person's happiness was what they posted on their social media accounts.
I explained to Mattie that what we see on social media is carefully curated and filtered. And the filtering is on so many levels. First, the images that show unhappiness, insecurity or discontentment are often completely excluded. Second, of the photos displayed, people or information in the background that do not support the narrative being promoted are edited or cropped out. And then finally, of the images that do make the cut, they have often been manipulated with filters and diffused lighting so that fine lines are smoothed out, imperfections erased, faces slimmed, eyes widened, hair lengthened, etc.
This type of creativity and editing are fine if one is looking at such an image for what it is: an interpretation of a moment. However, when a person takes curated images at face value and then compares themselves to what they see, they run the risk of killing their joy.
Real life is not filtered. It is not curated. Life is life. There are usually no cameras present when we lose our job, flunk a test, get dumped, lose a loved one, or are simply having a rough day, but those lows are just as much a part of life as the highs.
What makes life the beautiful and textured journey that it is are the twists, the turns, the highs and the lows. And if we are honest with ourselves, we can probably acknowledge that we enjoy a high all the more after coming through a low. How much more do we enjoy a promotion after working for it over the course of time? How much more do we savor getting an “A” on a test in a subject that we find challenging? How much more do we enjoy purchasing something we’ve longed for after saving up for it? How much more do we enjoy true love after not having it?
Our goal in life should not be achieving the status that we think others have. If we are always trying to “keep up with the Joneses,” we will never win our own personal race because we will be competing in someone else’s. We will find ourselves chasing after someone else’s life and not living our own.
As I concluded my conversation with Mattie, I reminded her that her life was uniquely hers. Voyeuristically watching someone else’s life does not teach us how to live our own. All of our lessons and experiences, the pleasant and the grueling alike, prepare us for the next phase of our unique life’s journey.
She sighed, but seemed to receive what I said.
“So Mattie,” I concluded, “Stop watching everyone else’s life and live yours.”
*Name has been changed to protect identity.
- Kimberley Guillemet
In 1983, Dianne Durham became the first African American gymnast to win the title as the all-round champion in the U.S. National Championship. She also won the individual titles for bars, floor and vault, becoming the first American woman to execute a full-twisting layout Tsukahara on vault. Later that year she won the all-around title at the McDonalds International Gymnastics Championships, beating Mary Lou Retton. Ms. Durham said later that despite these historic achievements, she was most concerned with them as part of her road to the Olympics, her ultimate goal.
At the Olympic trials, Ms. Durham suffered a string of injuries, culminating with a torn ankle ligament when she landed a challenging vault. This caused her to withdraw from the trials, with the expectation that she would be petitioned onto the Olympic team. However, through what the Olympic Committee Association later described as a combination of “injuries and a Byzantine selection process,” she was not offered a spot on the 1984 team. Her coach, Bela Karolyi, objected to denying the prior year's national champion a slot on the team, stating, "She was the first Black kid to ever make it to a national title. This is a pretty big injustice to not have Durham on the Olympic team. The team needs her, the country needs her." He did not succeed in persuading the USA Gymnastics Federation. Ms. Durham retired from competition in 1985. She then took a job coaching in Houston before relocating to Chicago. There, she met her husband and became a national-level judge, coach and gym owner.
U.S. Olympic Champion Mary Lou Retton said of her, “Dianne was one of the greatest athletes and the best gymnast of our generation. She had it all: personality, strength, grace. When we trained together, seven or eight hours a day, we really became like sisters. She was always my best and fiercest competitor.”
Ms. Durham was quoted as saying, “I don’t feel sorry for myself,” reflecting on her missed Olympic opportunity. “Nobody is going to give you anything in this life. You have to work for anything and everything you get. And sometimes it doesn’t go the way you want it to go. You fall, but you have to get back up . . . I am happy.”
Ms. Durham is remembered for introducing “power” to American women’s gymnastics and for paving the way for countless gymnasts after her including Betty Okino, Dominique Dawes, Gabrielle Douglas and Simone Biles.
To read more about Ms. Durham’s life and enduring legacy, please visit:
- Kimberley Guillemet
- King David
Many of us have grown up with the belief that if we work hard and persevere, we will be able to achieve our dreams. This belief is at the crux of the American Dream. We are taught that nothing can stop us if we try our best. We can come from any situation or station in life and rise to the top.
I agree that hard work matters and that much of what we achieve is directly connected to the amount of effort that we put forth. However, many of us are misled to believe that accomplishing our goals, whatever they are, will solve all of our problems. As we strive toward our goals, we should ask ourselves what we expect for the tone and course of our life thereafter. What does our version of achievement and success look like in real time? What can we expect during the ins and outs of our days? When we say we want to accomplish our dreams, what are we expecting that to look like? Do we believe that success will silence all the “haters”? Are we expecting life on “easy street”? Do we expect that moving forward we will not have any problems, worries or stress?
Simone Biles is an individual who we can all likely agree has accomplished, or is on the road to accomplishing, her life’s goals and dreams. To date, she is the most decorated and dominant gymnast in the world. She has earned a combined total of 30 Olympic and World Championship medals and is expected to add to her collection at the upcoming Tokyo Olympics. She is considered by many the G.O.A.T. (the greatest of all time).
But what does being the G.O.A.T. look like? Of course, Ms. Biles enjoys fame, worldwide adoration, notoriety, respect among her peers and wealth, but has her G.O.A.T. status insulated her from pain, negativity, hatred or difficult times? Absolutely not. In fact, Ms. Biles has been open about her struggles with people speaking negatively about her appearance, questioning her merit and launching attacks to undermine her achievements. Indeed, it seems that her talent has not insulated her from this negativity. To the contrary, it has attracted it.
When Ms. Biles made the decision to pursue elite gymnastics, she likely thought her toughest hurdles would be related to athletic performance and competition. Now that she is at the most elite level, she’s encountering other challenges that are seemingly unrelated to her performance.
However, I posit that the negative behavior is related to her performance. Ms. Biles’ excellence is triggering resentment and feelings of inadequacy and insecurity in others such that they have decided to attack the person who is achieving what they wish they could.
Stellar performance does not warrant negative treatment, however, it certainly attracts it.
When direct campaigns of negativity rear their ugly heads while or soon after you’ve accomplished something great, and you have evaluated your conduct, searched your heart and can honestly say that there is nothing that you have done to warrant the behavior, exhale and know that this does not mean that you are doing anything wrong. In fact, you’re clearly doing a lot right.
When things get tough while you are in the midst of accomplishing your goals or when you feel as if you are being attacked after earning an achievement, take heart and remember that it comes with the territory of being great.
Success might not look and feel as you anticipated, but don’t shy away from it when it becomes hard. Be strong, be courageous and continue to do the work to remain great.
