“Comparison is the thief of joy.”

- President Theodore Roosevelt

Recently, a young lady named Mattie* came to me for advice. She was distraught because she felt as if she was behind on achieving all of the important milestones in life. “It’s not fair,” she began. “Everyone’s life is so much better than mine. All of my friends have boyfriends or fiancés. I try to meet people online and they are all jerks. I hate my job. I don’t make enough money. I don’t like my body. Everyone else looks better than I do. I’m just tired of everybody else’s life being so much better than mine.”

I asked her what proof she had that everybody else’s life was so much better than hers. She responded that she could tell by the pictures people posted on Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, etc. “Everyone looks so happy,” she lamented.

I told her that her frame of reference was skewed if her sole determination of a person's happiness was what they posted on their social media accounts.

I explained to Mattie that what we see on social media is carefully curated and filtered. And the filtering is on so many levels. First, the images that show unhappiness, insecurity or discontentment are often completely excluded. Second, of the photos displayed, people or information in the background that do not support the narrative being promoted are edited or cropped out. And then finally, of the images that do make the cut, they have often been manipulated with filters and diffused lighting so that fine lines are smoothed out, imperfections erased, faces slimmed, eyes widened, hair lengthened, etc.

This type of creativity and editing are fine if one is looking at such an image for what it is: an interpretation of a moment. However, when a person takes curated images at face value and then compares themselves to what they see, they run the risk of killing their joy.

Real life is not filtered. It is not curated. Life is life. There are usually no cameras present when we lose our job, flunk a test, get dumped, lose a loved one, or are simply having a rough day, but those lows are just as much a part of life as the highs.

What makes life the beautiful and textured journey that it is are the twists, the turns, the highs and the lows. And if we are honest with ourselves, we can probably acknowledge that we enjoy a high all the more after coming through a low. How much more do we enjoy a promotion after working for it over the course of time? How much more do we savor getting an “A” on a test in a subject that we find challenging? How much more do we enjoy purchasing something we’ve longed for after saving up for it? How much more do we enjoy true love after not having it?

Our goal in life should not be achieving the status that we think others have. If we are always trying to “keep up with the Joneses,” we will never win our own personal race because we will be competing in someone else’s. We will find ourselves chasing after someone else’s life and not living our own.

As I concluded my conversation with Mattie, I reminded her that her life was uniquely hers. Voyeuristically watching someone else’s life does not teach us how to live our own. All of our lessons and experiences, the pleasant and the grueling alike, prepare us for the next phase of our unique life’s journey.

She sighed, but seemed to receive what I said.

“So Mattie,” I concluded, “Stop watching everyone else’s life and live yours.”

*Name has been changed to protect identity.

“Be strong and courageous, and do it.”

- King David

Many of us have grown up with the belief that if we work hard and persevere, we will be able to achieve our dreams. This belief is at the crux of the American Dream. We are taught that nothing can stop us if we try our best. We can come from any situation or station in life and rise to the top.

I agree that hard work matters and that much of what we achieve is directly connected to the amount of effort that we put forth. However, many of us are misled to believe that accomplishing our goals, whatever they are, will solve all of our problems. As we strive toward our goals, we should ask ourselves what we expect for the tone and course of our life thereafter. What does our version of achievement and success look like in real time? What can we expect during the ins and outs of our days? When we say we want to accomplish our dreams, what are we expecting that to look like? Do we believe that success will silence all the “haters”? Are we expecting life on “easy street”? Do we expect that moving forward we will not have any problems, worries or stress?

Simone Biles is an individual who we can all likely agree has accomplished, or is on the road to accomplishing, her life’s goals and dreams. To date, she is the most decorated and dominant gymnast in the world. She has earned a combined total of 30 Olympic and World Championship medals and is expected to add to her collection at the upcoming Tokyo Olympics. She is considered by many the G.O.A.T. (the greatest of all time).

But what does being the G.O.A.T. look like? Of course, Ms. Biles enjoys fame, worldwide adoration, notoriety, respect among her peers and wealth, but has her G.O.A.T. status insulated her from pain, negativity, hatred or difficult times? Absolutely not. In fact, Ms. Biles has been open about her struggles with people speaking negatively about her appearance, questioning her merit and launching attacks to undermine her achievements. Indeed, it seems that her talent has not insulated her from this negativity. To the contrary, it has attracted it.

When Ms. Biles made the decision to pursue elite gymnastics, she likely thought her toughest hurdles would be related to athletic performance and competition. Now that she is at the most elite level, she’s encountering other challenges that are seemingly unrelated to her performance.

However, I posit that the negative behavior is related to her performance. Ms. Biles’ excellence is triggering resentment and feelings of inadequacy and insecurity in others such that they have decided to attack the person who is achieving what they wish they could.

Stellar performance does not warrant negative treatment, however, it certainly attracts it.

When direct campaigns of negativity rear their ugly heads while or soon after you’ve accomplished something great, and you have evaluated your conduct, searched your heart and can honestly say that there is nothing that you have done to warrant the behavior, exhale and know that this does not mean that you are doing anything wrong. In fact, you’re clearly doing a lot right.

When things get tough while you are in the midst of accomplishing your goals or when you feel as if you are being attacked after earning an achievement, take heart and remember that it comes with the territory of being great.

Success might not look and feel as you anticipated, but don’t shy away from it when it becomes hard. Be strong, be courageous and continue to do the work to remain great.

“Struck down, but not destroyed.”

-St. Paul the Apostle

One morning, I was sitting in my bedroom, doing my morning devotional while sipping from my favorite mug filled with warm green tea when I heard a loud thud on the side of the house. I got up to investigate. I pulled back the blinds on the patio window so I could look outside. Initially I did not see anything when I looked through the window. I then angled my head down and there I saw it. On the brick covered ground right outside my window was a little auburn bird. It lay there lifeless, on its back with its breast face up. Its breast was a beautiful cream color with green hues. Its neck appeared to be broken and one of its wings appeared dislocated.

“Girls! Girls!“ I called out summoning my daughters to come to my room. They filed in one by one, answering, “Yes, Mommy“ and looking at me expectantly. “Look at this,“ I said to them pointing down at the bird. “I think the bird didn’t see the glass of the window and tried to fly straight through it. It’s so sad. It killed itself.“

I then sat back down and went back to my devotional and green tea.

One by one, my daughters drifted away from the bird and went back to their morning chores and the business of preparing to go to school. All except one. My third daughter stayed with the bird and after a few minutes, she said, “Mommy, the bird's leg is moving.” I responded, “That’s probably just the nerves displaying residual involuntary movement. That bird is dead.“ “No, Mommy! His leg is really moving. I think he’s alive,“ she insisted. She called out for one of her sisters who joined her and said, “Mommy, now his neck is moving. I think he’s alive.“

“That bird is not alive,” I responded. “Go finish your breakfast and get ready to go to school.”

After I finished my devotional and took my shower, I came back out to my bedroom and saw that the girls were watching the bird again. “Mommy,” my second daughter said, “the bird is sitting up now. His leg is injured though. And his wing. I don’t think he will be able to fly or walk. A cat might get him. Can we go help the bird? Maybe he needs a splint for his leg.”

“No,“ I said. “A bird that can’t walk or fly is not long for this world. We will let it be.”

About 20 minutes later, as we were preparing to leave the house, one of my daughters ran up to me and said, “Mommy, Mommy! The bird is gone. He flew away.“

“Wow,” I said. “I was wrong. The bird made a comeback.”

Sometimes situations and circumstances may appear to us hopeless when they are not. This is because our ability to perceive things is restricted by our life‘s circumstances and limited by our particular lens. My belief that the bird was dead was influenced by my experience with impending death of loved ones in the past. My experience with grief taught me that in the long run, it was better to accept the difficult reality of imminent death as soon as possible. I had learned that it would help to process what was occurring, and ultimately, help me to move on. It was also a mechanism that served to protect my emotions. Having hope that things would improve or turn around could be scary and also came with vulnerability. I felt as though I was protecting my children by encouraging them to do the same in this situation.

However, my children weren’t jaded in the way I was. They believed in their hearts that the bird was not dead. They hoped against hope that the bird would make it, and ultimately, the bird was revived.

They were right. I was wrong.

There are indeed times where acceptance of the harsh realities of life is appropriate. However, keeping oneself grounded in the reality of what has transpired before us should not come at the expense of faith and hope.

I encourage all of us to allow ourselves to hope. No matter how bleak circumstances look and how hopeless things may seem, allow yourself to believe that things will turn around. Give yourself permission to have faith. We’ve all had circumstances and situations where we’ve been down and others might have counted us out, but we weren’t out. Let’s all be like the little bird. Scourged, but not broken. Afflicted, but not dead. Persecuted, but not abandoned. Struck down, but not destroyed. We are made to be resilient.

Get ready for your comeback.